Thursday, April 29, 2010

I needed that :)

After a long day I came home, took Helo out, then sat at my computer. I then checked The Women's Colony. I then laughed for a good long time as I read THIS

I have feeling that Allie and I would be The Bestest of friends. Man, it was funny. And exactly like something I would write when I'm feeling silly. These days, I just feel tired.I hope you go there and read it. It's good.

PS. I went to her website. I REALLY started cracking up after I read THIS. It's called "How a fish almost destroyed my childhood" It reminds me of a horrible, horrible version of the fish story I once shared. Anyway, I liked it alot...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Here’s to Letting Go

I wrote this last year and I think I shared it with you, but I never put it up and claimed it as mine. I really like it, and I think I'm ready to be out with it. So here goes.



I cried for an entire day yesterday. A morning of sobs, an afternoon of deep breathing. It was my aunt’s birthday. She died of cancer 11 years ago.

I was twelve, I think. We were at my aunt’s house; we had been coming over increasingly this summer. My mother knew we didn’t have much time. I was playing Lincoln logs with my sister and three cousins. My mother came in. We knew before she said it. Her face told us without a word, “She’s gone”. My cousins ran and clung to her, their mother’s sister. My sister got up in slow motion. The five of them left the room, crying together. And I smiled. I laughed. I couldn’t stifle my giggling. I was horrified.

I ran to the bathroom, making sure no one saw me. I should be in there, crying with my family. Not watching this caricature smile in the mirror. I felt awful. I repeated to myself, “You are sad. This is a sad situation. This is not a proper reaction. She is gone.” Gradually, I was able to wipe the smile from my face. I checked the mirror, just to make sure the frown was real. It wasn’t a frown, it was blank. Close enough. I crept down the hall into her room.

She was very pale. She looked soft. Everyone was crying and holding each other. My uncle was making phone calls, informing the relatives. And I was blank faced, looking at the scene unfold. I played sad pictures in my head, anything sad I could think of, just to get myself to cry, to appear normal. And I did cry. And I kept on crying today.

This was one of my most secret of secrets. If I told anyone, it would be in a reverent whisper. And that person would shrug and say, weird or huh. I’ve lived for years thinking I am a terrible person who enjoys death. I’ve felt so guilty about it. It is one of the worst things I have ever done. Until yesterday.

I cried and cried when I read my mother’s blog about her sister. I thought of my sister, and I can’t imagine losing her. My cousins, without their mother. And I cried some more. I couldn’t stop, I felt so guilty for laughing when I should have been crying. So I spilled my guts to my mom.

She did not respond as I expected. She didn’t cry, she didn’t yell, she just said in her soothing, mom-voice, “It’s ok. It is normal. It’s a normal reaction. Lots of kids who can’t cope with realities of death have strange, out of place emotions.”

I don’t know if I am relieved. I still have a lingering sense of guilt. Why didn’t I find this out sooner? It has been years of guilt-build-up and now it’s just ok? So what? You laughed at your aunt’s death, big deal? I don’t believe it. But I do feel better. My aunt wouldn’t have wanted me to brood about the past.

So here is to the future. To loved ones who never truly leave us. To letting go. And to spilling our guts.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I win


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Well I just won a giveaway over at Sue's News, Views 'n Muse . I won a beautiful set of beloved Jane Austen classics. I am really looking forward to reading them. I would have to say my friends have discussed (quite often) starting a Jane Austen book club and we loved to call random people (waiters, guy-friends, Ken dolls...) Mr Darcy back in our sillier days. Sadly (and I hate to admit this to the interwebs) I have never read a Jane Austen Book.

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Now I will be able to read them at my pace, whenever I want to! Thank you Sue!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

All those things

Remember all those things your mom told you about what it's like to be an adult? Ya. You know. I would like to take the time to discuss some of those things with you. In fact, I made a list that you can hopefully add to, all about those things you heard about being an adult that you really didn't understand until they happened.

8) You actually don't know everything.
Teenage response: Duh! I know that! (But really I don't)
Sensible Adult: I make it a point to learn something new every day.

7) Odds are you wont end up your first boyfriend.
Teenage response: Whatever! Johnny and I are simply MADE for each other and we will be together FOREVER! We already picked names for our children and I know EXACTLY what dress I am wearing to our wedding!
Sensible Adult: While I do know a few people (my sister included) who stay with their high-school boyfriend, the odds are against them.

6) You will not see 90% of your high school friends two years after high school.
Teenage response: That would never happen to MY friends, we are way too close to let that happen. Ever! Even though we are going to all different schools, we are going to keep in touch. We made a pact that we will be friends no matter what!
Sensible Adult: That one is spot on. It's a little easier to keep in touch now with facebook, but people change. And have new lives. And when you don't see them at school every day, you actually have to make an EFFORT to keep being friends.

5) Real friends are hard to find.
Teenage response: I have, like, 12 real friends! And even if I only stay in touch with 11 of them two years out of HS (which would NEVER happen because, you know, our pact) I make friends SO easily! I will be so popular when I am an adult that I will have to schedule lunches every day of the week!
Sensible Adult: The friends you do keep from HS are real friends, especially if you still talk six years after. But new, good friends are Hard to find.

4) You will probably end up doing something other than what you went to school for.
Teenage response: That's ok because I don't even need to GO to college to be famous! College will be my back-up plan because I am going to become a famous Actress/Singer/Writer/Whatever...
Sensible Adult: If you are fortunate, you will make it through college. If you are extremely lucky (or you know someone) you will end up with the job you always wanted. And it will still not be as great as you thought it was going to be.

3) Everyone hates their job.
Teenage response: I am going to love my job, because I will be a famous Playwright/Doctor/Lawyer/Whatever and I will love what I do! No job you hate is worth having!
Sensible Adult: If you want to pay the bills, that job is worth having. If work wasn't hard, it wouldn't be called Work!

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2) Paying the bills is hard, and some months, you just don't make it.
Teenage response: Life as an adult will be great because I will be able to do WHATEVER I WANT! No matter that whatever I want usually costs money. I have plenty of money now and when I become a famous Model/Comedian/Under-Water-Basket-Weaver... I will have even more money!
Sensible Adult: Paying the bills is hard. And some months, you don't make it. And then you call your parents :P

1) You will miss me someday.
Teenager response: Didn't you hear me? When I am an adult I will get to do WHATEVER I WANT! I will have no time to be missing you because I will have so much fun! And I already know EVERYTHING so don't THINK I am going to call you from my first apartment asking if you will tell me how took cook a potato/cake/that-thing-you-always-used-to-make-because-I-miss-home-so-much-I-want-to-cry...
Sensible Adult: I will call you ALL THE TIME. For EVERYTHING. Sometimes I call you just because. And I miss you. All the time.


Well I hope you enjoyed my post and I am now going to challenge Lauren to write an equivalent about things you heard about being a mother that you didn't understand until you were a mother. I'm sure it will be FULL of oversharing :)

I love you and I miss you both.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Scone Recipe

mah tummy
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I love scones. So much. And I used to buy one every time we went to starbucks. Then we ran out of money and bought a coffee maker instead. It's a lot cheaper, but I do miss my scones. So I found this GREAT recipe here http://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/scone-nibbles-recipe So I got up this morning and made them. Actually I made the ones out of the box. But I DID put chocolate chips in it just like in these. Next time I make scones, I will be making these. They have great step-by step pictures and really scones are delicious. Like fluffy cookies without so much sugar. Here is that link again.